SECRET SERVICE EMERGENCY-RESPONSE PROTOCOL 1127B: IF THE PRESIDENT FALLS DOWN A WELL.
BY SUSAN SCHORN
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Rationale: Due to the unique threat environment known to exist at POTUS's Crawford, Texas, ranch, the following protocol has been drafted for use in the event of a situation Code: ALICE.
Education: POTUS has been cautioned to stay away from abandoned wells while outdoors at the ranch; to watch carefully for wells while clearing brush; to not follow Barney down any holes, no matter how big a rabbit he thinks might be down there; and to avoid stepping in any areas where "the ground is missing." (This language was recommended by the First Lady as most likely to ensure POTUS's comprehension.)
Site Survey: Crawford-based agents confirm that the ranch grounds have been thoroughly searched for abandoned wells. However, these searches cannot be considered exhaustive; well-safety experts note that not being able to see abandoned wells is the primary reason people fall down them in the first place. Moreover, agents have reported numerous (seven) sightings of VPOTUS exiting the Crawford property with a shovel. Thus, continued vigilance is required.
Thank heavens for McSweeney's. Go read the whole thing.